Falling or Flying

Letter to my Father—who arts in heaven whose name is to be hallowed .. 

Song: Hard fought hallelujah Brandon Lake

It’s funny because I was just talking about how I have so much to say—yet lately, I’ve been speechless.

I don’t know if I’m falling or flying. Honestly, I can’t tell the difference.

My life feels completely surreal.

My business came to a halt due to a fire, and then, just six weeks later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I am stunned.

Not because I ever considered myself exempt from suffering, but because, you know how it goes—you never think you’ll be the one facing the unimaginable.

And if I’m being honest, I’d admit that I feel offended.

But let me say, your execution has been immaculate. The way every detail and moment of discernment fell into place so seamlessly—it could only be orchestrated by the Creator.

Your timing, preparation, and intentionality are absolutely awe-striking.

Thank you for allowing me the time to develop my spirit, to build endurance and character, and most importantly, to stand in awe of you.

I’m honored that you considered me fit to carry this miracle.

Because that’s what this feels like—a supernatural experience.

No way. Not my life.

So what now?

I don’t know. I guess I do what I do best—stay in a child’s place and surrender myself before you.

Weak, stained, frightened, hands full of guile.

Kneeling before you, shamelessly repenting for the mess I’ve made.

For the way I’ve waged my reality against your truth.

Forgive me, Father.

Forgive me for my futile understanding.

Forgive me that my fickle faith falters in the face of fear.

Forgive me for running to what soothes my sorrow instead of the One whose name the whole world will bow to.

Help me to know, with all of my being, that I am because you are.

Help me to know that the weaker I am, the stronger you become.

I boast as I bow before you, my grace—

Withholding nothing.

Rejoicing because you have ordered my steps.

Nothing comes as a surprise to you, and while I don’t know what awaits me, I know you have never failed me—and you won’t start now.

Despite myself, you deemed me worth the price paid at Calvary.

I trust in your reputation, your ranking, and your love for me.

I trust your plans—the ones that promise me a fruitful, healthy, and long life, multiplying and subduing the nations.

So, Lord, I thank you that you are not like man, that you should lie.

Your word in Isaiah assures us that it will not return void, so I stand in agreement.

Like the rain and snow that do not stop mid-air or return to the sky but fulfill their purpose before completion—so shall your word be.

So, Lord, I thank you that your perfect plan will be imparted into this imperfect vessel.

Do as you see fit, my Lord.

As long as it pleases you, you have my yes and amen.

Holy Spirit, help me get out of your way and yield to your instruction.

Continue decreasing my desires until yours dominate my heart.

I stand against every distraction and stronghold trying to take your place in my weariness.

Help me to remember that my circumstances do not cancel out what your word says.

I love you.

Amen.